Lazy Man's Relaxation.

It's my birthday week. Have I mentioned that yet? I love my birthday. I just do. Get over it.

On Monday evening, I had a night of relaxation in mind. I spent my entire weekend super anxious. What? No. I don't know why I would do something like that. You think I have a choice in the matter? You think I wanted to spend every waking minute with an inexplicable pain in my chest? You think I wanted to lose sleep? I couldn't help it!

After working a full work-day on Monday (for the first time in weeks), I stopped by the nail salon on my way home and got a pedicure. It felt awesome. I sat there and thought, "There's no better feeling than having some woman get real intimate with your feet when they're at their worst." I'm not kidding. I wanted to keep the party going! But I'm poor.

So, in case you have no money like I do... here's a way you can have a relaxing night.

1. Go home, take a paper bag, cut some eye holes out of it. Put it over your head, get undressed and look at yourself in the mirror. Really evaluate what your strengths and weaknesses are. And be honest. Nope, wait, that's a quote from "Mad Men." Just take off your clothes and put a god damn towel on. 


2. Take a hot shower. I mean, turn the water up to the hottest it can be without scalding your skin. You don't need an oasis, just hot water. Listen to music you like. I listened to Etta James. She had a great voice! And her music is fun and nice and doesn't remind me of anything horrific from my past. 


3. Also, wash your body with something that smells nice. I never use body wash... I prefer soap. It doesn't leave my skin feeling filmy. But, it's my birthday and Sephora gave me some birthday cake smelling stuff and well, whatever. I used it. It exfoliated me. I smelled like vanilla cake. It was great. 


4. Apply lotion! Smooth skin is nice!


5. Light a candle. I, of course, couldn't find matches or a lighter. I don't smoke. So, I lit a small candle on the stove and lit another candle that way. Because I live on the edge. 


6. Give yourself a manicure. Lotion, cut your finger nails, push back your cuticles and paint those things! Save $15. 

7. Make yourself a drink. I had vodka, orange juice and raspberry lime soda water. 

8. Put on heels and walk around in a towel. 

9. Eventually pass out watching "Portlandia" in said heels and towel. Wake up feeling real bad about yourself.


Have fun!