Gaining Control

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Control is not just a really great Janet Jackson song, just in case you were wondering.

Control is what we all need to do with our lives.  We have to gain control, everyone!  It’s on us!  Nobody can do it for us! 

Apparently, it’s Depression and Anxiety Awareness Week.  A friend of mine wrote a status about his experience with depression and anxiety and I realized just how long it has been that I’ve been battling it and it’s just a strange thing that’s always there in my life and it’s funny to me just how comfortable I’ve got with it.

Some days are good days.  Some days, I’m a bright, happy individual!  I can look on the bright side and feel great about what I’m doing with my life, feel good about my future and just feel totally complete. 

And then other days (most days maybe) I feel a little bit nuts.  I’ll go from happy to sad to depressed to vulnerable to Beyonce-ish to crying fits under the covers.  I’ll be driving to work thinking, “I LOVE MY LIFE” and then driving back thinking, “WHAT AM I DOING?!” 

But, I’ve realized as I age… like a fine bottle of wine, all I have to do is work towards getting control.  Some days will always be better than other days!  Some things will cause me stress and others won’t.  Last week, my boyfriend advised me to just try to gain a little more patience every day.  If I’m waiting at a light, just try to think, “This’ll only take a minute” as opposed to, “Hurry the F up, I want to be home right now.”  (Which is me, more often than not.)

As long as I’m actively trying to get better… I’m better off.   When I was feeling really awful last year, I just decided, “Do something about it.”  And then I did.  I put in my “notice” at my job, bought a plane ticket and flew across the country and now I live there and everything is different and it’s been a really fun and amazing experience.  I did something about it!  I felt complacent and comfortable and I didn’t want to feel that way anymore, so I pulled the trigger and did it!  It felt fucking awesome.  

I could do that every day.  I could decide, “I don’t like this apartment messy” and just clean it.  I could think, “This person is a shitty friend and I don’t want to talk to them anymore” and just stop talking to them or worrying about what they think of me / my life.   I could decide, “I want to watch that episode of Bob’s Burgers I've already seen a hundred times” and just watch another episode of Bob’s Burgers!  I CAN DO THAT. I’M IN CONTROL!

It always seems hard… but it’s really not that hard.  Decision-making is the worst… but then the decision is made and that’s that.  The hard part is over.  And you’re on your couch watching the same episode of Bob’s Burgers you’ve seen a hundred times and you’re F’ing doing it!  You are a part of rhythm nation!  

I'm sorry.  I don't know.  I'm going through a Janet phase.