The Toxins

Well, I’ve been living in California for six months as of this week, so I guess it’s probably time to start a crash diet and rid my body of toxins, right?  And while I’m doing that, it’s probably a good idea to start an intense 30-day work out program, because hey – might as well go all out, right?

Basically, I’m an idiot.

But for really real, it may sound ridiculously corny but I have been trying to rid my entire life of toxins. I know I touched upon it a bit in the last post, but here's where I'm going with this. 

I went on anxiety medication because I’m trying to control the toxic feelings inside of my brain.  I’m trying to control the outbursts of rage (Hulk Patty Moments), the feelings of inadequacy, doubt, fear, etc.  I know that medication can’t really RID my body of these feelings, and that it’s a bit of an oxymoron to pump chemicals into my body in order to get rid of toxins – but you know what I’m talking about.  I think it’s very hard to live like everything’s normal and balanced when it absolutely is NOT normal and it’s in fact very difficult.  I don’t like being miserable and I certainly don’t like freaking out to the point where I’m unable to breathe. I don’t like holding myself back from big things because of fear (which ultimately leads to a big ol’ panic attack.)  I’m tired of being comfortable.  I’m tired of being miserable.  So I’m taking care of it.  Toxins be gone!

At another end of it, I’m starting to eat “cleaner”.  I’m not doing a cleanse, per say, but I guess that’s sort of what the Whole 30 is.  There are a lot of restrictions and some moments of the day, it’s pretty hard.  But it’s actually been good for me.  I made rice out of cauliflower last night!  I pan seared lean pork chops and covered them in some sort of apple, bacon, onion mix (what I call pork on pork.) I’m drinking coffee black and pounding water all day. My only concern is maintenance after it’s all over.  So I’m trying to make it more of a lifestyle change than a total crash diet.  Basically, I’m focusing on eating less processed junk and making everything at home… and also buying the more expensive, organic stuff because it’s better for your body.  Ugh, expensive.  Meal planning is hard and annoying.  I have to remember to take meat out of the freezer to defrost, and properly use up all the veggies I’ve bought throughout the week.  I’m sure that I’ll get into a groove soon and it will be second nature eventually, but shit – it’s time-consuming now.  But worth it.  Or something. 

Another thing I’m trying to do is just clear my life of bullshit.  I spend a lot of the time wondering why certain friendships of mine have disintegrated.  And every time I think of possible answers to the question, I think those reasons would be absolute bullshit.  I'm sad, because in some of these situations, I actually do feel like I've lost great, quality friendships.  But hey, that's life.  And if I keep dwelling on it then... TOXINS!  See? Toxins!! 

It sucks.  But you know what else sucks?  Seeing a picture of a donut and not being able to eat it right now.  I want a donut!  I never really crave sweets but the lack of sugar I’ve been consuming is turning me into some sort of donut/sugar monster. 

You know what else I want?  A new pair of shoes and a car that doesn't cost me an arm and a leg.  I need those things.  One to walk with and one to drink my black coffee and eat my sugar-less foods. 

See you guys in 30 days where I will bake myself into a loaf of bread and eat my way out because I've missed grains so much.