The Pressures of Adulting

Being an adult is ROUGH. 

At this moment in time, I have a bi-weekly therapy appointment in addition to anti-anxiety medication that I take every day.  I'm also doing yoga 5-6 times a week to reduce stress and I even have a guided meditation app on my phone.  As I age and the pressure builds, I'm feeling more and more anxious and it's difficult to get a hold on.  

When I was 16 and in high school, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  And when I think of the way I feel now versus the way I felt then, I find it difficult to understand.  What on EARTH did I have to feel depressed about then?  What pressure was I facing every day?  

If I could go back and tell my depressed 16-year-old self anything, I’d say “Hey girl, boys don’t like you because you wear oversized Gap sweatshirts and sweatpants every single day.  Also, you don’t give them the chance to like you because you hate yourself and stay in on the weekends to discuss Harry Potter at length and watch Miss Congeniality again.  You’re really smart and you do really well in school and it’s not that hard for you.  People think you’re funny!  You live at home and your parents pay for everything, including your cell phone bill even though you probably don’t even need a cell phone.  Girl, who are you calling?   But hey, good for you for watching Cheers so much and thinking it’s the best show that is no longer on television.”

These days, life is a lot more difficult.  On Friday evening, I had to pay $300 to renew my car registration and then another $300 to get a sample of my cat’s urine checked out.  I didn’t know that I had to renew my registration every year because my parents did all of that for me the one year that I had a car before my dad had it re-painted and sold it.  That’s how bad at being an adult I am. 

Life is also harder now because we live in a society where there’s a lot of pressure.  Since this is the era of following dreams and doing what you love, it’s really hard to live up to that.  It’s a time where choosing different career paths, or not immediately succeeding at what you want to do means you’re a complete failure.  Every time I go home, I feel weird about what to say.  I have a solid job with a great salary, a career path and awesome opportunities and I feel hesitant to admit that.  Sometimes it feels like I should just say, “I can barely pay my rent and I’m struggling, but I’m working on my screenplay every day and a friend of a friend’s uncle is a big wig at Paramount so I think it’s going to be real good in like a year.”

The worst part is that I’m putting all this pressure on myself.  And I’m sure a lot of people do the same thing.  It feels as though we all have to be on the same map, hitting the same milestones by certain points in our lives and for what??  It's so discouraging and disappointing.  

In high school, I was nailing life if I got a 90 on my Art History test and had a great group of friends to spend time with every weekend.  Nowadays, the definition of nailing it is incredibly varied.  It's really hard to see how you're actually doing when you're comparing your accomplishments to everyone else's. Comparison is the thief of joy, everyone!  

More often than not, we're in the way of ourselves and our happiness. And then other times, it's legitimately overwhelming to just LIVE.  Car payments, rent, student loan, credit cards... all these payments are the devil and ruining our lives.  

I'm getting stressed out just thinking about it.  

But you know what?  Let's give ourselves some credit for all the things we have achieved, and let's buy ourselves a nice gourmet pizza when we have the extra cash.  And, if you're into it, download the Calm app and sit still for like five minutes while a soothing voice takes you through a quick guided meditation. 

If I've succeeded at anything... it's at being a real Los Angeles loser.