Take Risks. Crash Hard. Repeat.

I am not big on taking risks.  Every couple of years, I get a wave of confidence and I go for something I’ve been wanting to do… but typically, I play it safe and keep all my dreams and feelings and thoughts as close to the vest as possible.

This is a quality that I really, truly despise about myself.  Mostly because when I do get those waves of confidence and try new things, it usually ends up working out!  And even if it fails, it still has a positive effect on my life in some way.  At the very least, I walk away feeling as though I accomplished the task of trying something different. 

Even just last year when I took risks, I got to write on a pretty huge advertising campaign and co-host an awards ceremony in an evening gown.  I acted in a pilot that was shown to executives at the E! network.  I’ve even moved across the country and survived!  I’ve submitted things I’ve written to be published.  For a while, I was a full-time improv and sketch performer.  All things that would never have happened if I didn’t take a risk.  Not everything worked out, but most did.  And I feel good about all of it. 

But lately, I don't know man... there are a lot of changes happening in my life and yet I feel so stuck. Maybe it's because I'm getting older (as a reminder, I'm turning 30 TOMORROW) and I'm less prone to take risks because now I have things to worry about paying for... like an expensive apartment and a car. I also have this pressure to pick one path and follow it because if I keep flip-flopping between careers/jobs, then I'll fuck myself over when and if I ever want to "settle down."

Even just typing that made me roll my eyes. Isn't it such bullshit to feel forced to do the right thing, follow an easy path and set yourself up for success later in life when your today sucks? 

It’s more exhausting to not take risks than it is to take risks.  I spend more time thinking about doing, or saying, something than I would spend actually doing or saying it.  If I just did it, it’d be over with… and things would go well or horrible.  But then they’d be over!  I’m just tired of miserably sitting still and watching life pass by. 

A few people around me lately have done the unthinkable and quit their jobs to pursue their dreams.  I'm not in any position to do that right now, but I'm not going to lie... it sounds amazing. And it's put a lot of things into perspective. I've spent too much time the past few years not doing   a single damn thing for myself. 

Except drink a lot of wine. A lot of wine. I once ordered four glasses of chardonnay when I found out there were only 5 minutes left to order for happy hour prices. I am doing great and everything is fine. 

So, as I enter my THIRD FUCKING DECADE, I'm vowing to do more shit for myself. Take a lot of risks. Fall on my face. Repeat. And eventually, die.