I Did The Whole 30, And So Can You! Maybe.

*note: i would have used the same dress for the "after" but IT LITERALLY RIPPED INTO SHREDS AFTER THE FIRST WEAR. so it's not a fair comparison really. especially when your body is 85% chest. but trust that the skirt fits much better now and that my face looks like that all the time when i look in the mirror. no whole30 will change that.

You guys. I did it! I finished a Whole30. It was not perfect, as I had to travel in the middle of the month and it was really hard to attend work dinners in a foreign country and ensure everything was compliant. I also stupidly realized in the last week that the chipotle peppers I was buying had sugar in them. I’m a dummy. But oh well. The point is… I did it.

I have decided to write about my experience, and it will likely do nothing for you. I have learned nothing groundbreaking. I have had no spiritual experiences, outside of one crazy energetic day where it felt like I took Viagra for my creative dysfunction. I didn’t even have any major withdrawals, cravings or temper tantrums.

Oh, wait, just kidding. I had a temper tantrum this past Sunday after skipping lunch and trying to defrost a steak in the microwave and accidentally cooking it instead. (I did not eat the microwaved steak, but I did cry for having to throw it away.) (Which is dumb because it was just a regular ol’ 4 oz portion of steak, not something fancy like a rib eye or a New York strip. And my father bought it for me, so I didn’t even pay for it. And I had 3 more in the freezer.)

So… yeah. I’m sharing this because I’m proud of myself and it was a big deal for me! I have been wanting/needing a change badly. I have never really liked vegetables. I have the mindset that weekends are for splurging and purging. (I don’t really purge, I just thought it sounded cool.) A single serving of wine was easily an entire bottle. I made more post-barre stops at Kappy’s Liquor in Malden, MA than I’m willing to admit. I just didn’t feel good, and I have gallstones, and I wanted to do something dramatic because I live for the drama.

It is complete. It is done. And it was a success! It wasn’t about weight loss for me... is what I would say if I were a fucking liar. I lost 11 pounds! The best part is that I felt like I did that without even trying. I didn’t increase my workouts, but I do barre and/or yoga 3-4x a week. I didn’t measure any food servings or anything. I just ate clean, even if it meant having a reheated baked potato for dinner because I was lazy.

Let’s get the most impressive part out of the way… I had no alcohol in 31 days! THAT’S IMPRESSIVE FOR ME. I started the Whole30 on Thursday, January 2nd and didn’t have a drink on the 1st - so there was an extra alcohol-free day in there. Other than that, I had no sugar, dairy, grains, soy, legumes, fun, love, excitement, etc. for 30 straight days.

WHAT WAS MEH
1) Basically making no plans for an entire month

2) No alcohol, obviously

The positive sides of the “meh” parts were that I read ten books and I was able to reframe my mindset around alcohol. I mostly drank because I was bored and it felt like something that just went with dinner. Sure, there were some days where I’d have to dress up a glass of seltzer to make it seem more special. But honestly? I actually didn’t miss it too much and felt like not drinking gave me a lot of clarity. I lived easily without it. I missed having a social life more than I missed the actual alcohol.

WHAT WAS GREAT

The energy! I am mostly a good sleeper, so I can’t tell if the Whole30 made much of a difference there but I did sleep really well the whole time. But the energy I had waking up, in the middle of the day, during my workouts… it was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. And there was no crash. It just kept going and going and going.

Did you guys know that FOOD is FUEL?!?! And when you eat BETTER food, you have BETTER fuel?! Like, you can go from a broken down Toyota to… A REALLY NICE CAR. (I’m not good with cars. I drive a Honda. I love my Honda.)

Also, this probably had to do with the energy, but I felt EXTRA creative the whole month. I was constantly coming up with ideas, writing blog posts, pitching shit to people, etc. I even pitched a workshop idea to my barre instructor. Right now, I’m verbally signed up to do a lot of work this year that I don’t think I’ll be able to manage.

ADVICE I TOOK

Following Whole30 hashtags on Instagram. It kept me motivated and gave me some ideas.

Primal Kitchen avocado oil mayo & replacing peanut butter with cashew butter. Those got me through the month… I went through too many jars.

I hate bringing salads for lunch because i hate washing tupperware and I always leave it at work and then it gets gross and i just end up throwing it out. So, advice I received was lettuce wraps. I took chicken salad lettuce wraps almost every day. And they were THE BEST IDEA.

Carbs & protein. If all else failed, I knew that as long as I ate some protein and some carbs, I’d be full and have some energy. When I traveled, I packed Justin’s nut butter packets and took fruit from the hotel breakfast buffet every morning so I could be prepared. For barre, I always ate a banana and some walnuts about an hour before. It worked so well.

THE ADVICE I IGNORED

I read that you shouldn’t rely on fruit and nuts when you travel… but that’s 100% what I did. I hate raw veggies. So, to each their own. And to me, apparently I turn into a squirrel while traveling. No big D.

Also, I didn’t start over when I thought something went wrong. Like when I was traveling and probably ate sugar or something cooked in butter. I am still proud of myself for sticking with the diet (when I was in control of what I was cooking) and making the healthiest choices I could when it was out of my control. So, no - it wasn’t perfect and in the eyes of the Whole30 gods, I’m likely going to Whole30 hell (which hopefully involves a lot of bread) but oh well. It was a fucking challenge and I did it. thank u, next.

ADVICE I GIVE

Make small adjustments. If you drink your coffee with lots of cream and sugar, find a compliant creamer. It doesn’t need to be torture. For the record, I like my coffee like I like my men… medium-bodied and NEVER after 2pm because I won’t be able to fall asleep.

Eat what you WANT to eat, and swap out the things that aren’t compliant. Craving a big bowl of pasta? Use zoodles. Craving french fries? Make roasted potatoes! Or pan fry potatoes in coconut oil. Want a sandwich? Use 2 brisket butts as bread. You can even make cheese out of cashews! Sounds gross to me, but YOU DO YOU.

Other advice? Just don’t make plans for an entire month. No matter what the plans are, you will always want wine. Yoga class? Wine. Shopping? Wine. Visiting a baby? Wine. Definitely wine.

CLOSING STATEMENT

Thumbs up. I feel really good. I feel inspired to take on more challenges (that don’t restrict alcohol.) I feel more in tune with my body and I have a LOT of energy. So all in all, it was good and I recommend it! It didn’t change my life or anything (because I thought it would make me see 20/20 again, but ALAS HERE I AM WITH MY GLASSES ON.)

I will continue to eat as “clean” as possible because it was pretty easy and I didn’t need all the nonsense (like dairy or sugar.) And I liked all the ways I prepared veggies, so I can factor those into my meals a lot more. Potatoes aren’t the devil, so I don’t need to feel guilty about eating them. Almonds alone are boring, but roasted almonds with cayenne are delicious. Frozen banana in a food processor tastes like ice cream. Eating an hour before my workout gives me crazy fuel. And I love cooking, so why not do it more instead of relying on takeout for the weekends?

But I still want alcohol and the occasional pizza.

Now, who wants to get a couple dozen drinks?