I
drank a lot when I was younger. Before I was even 21, there was a bar that I
drank at all the time. Unsurprisingly,
yet sadly, that bar is now closed. I started doing comedy when I was 19 years
old, and everyone in comedy was so much fun / borderline alcoholics, so I
started joining them after classes at the bar.
Once I realized they’d serve me, I never stopped asking… and here I am, ten years later.
It
didn’t take me long to realize that drinking turned me into a stupid human
being… but that also didn’t stop me. I
loved that feeling. It's going to sound
like I have a problem here, but it was so much fun to lose all that
control. There was a point in my life
where I woke up with just a tiny little headache and enjoyed meeting up with
friends and putting the pieces of our night back together.
But
as I get older, that gets less and less fun.
Maybe it’s because as you get older, your actions become less forgivable
and unfortunately (or, fortunately – depending on how you look at it), I care
about that. I care about what I say, I
care about hurting people, and I care about the state of my body the next
day. I hate the tension in my neck and
shoulders, the feeling when you go through your phone and seeing what you
texted someone and what pictures you sent on Snapchat or posted to Instagram,
and the throwing up! Alcohol-based vomit
in your late twenties is a real kick in the dick.
I
recently spent a night at home with my boyfriend and our friend, drinking a lot
of vodka and watching the movie Anastasia. (As one does at 28.) The next day, I woke up so incredibly hungover
that I couldn’t even eat my HANGOVER BURGER while everyone else seemed just
fine. They’re both younger than me, I
never felt so old in my life. So, in my opinion, I have a pretty complicated
relationship with alcohol as I age.
Yet,
every time I make huge declarations that I’m done with drinking, I end up going
harder than I ever have. Last Saturday,
enough was enough and then I ended the day 3 bottles of Chardonnay deep with my
friend Brian. But don’t worry; it was a
“bit.” Sunday was spent in a cloud of
self-deprecation.
The
way I see it, none of this is my fault.
Just
kidding.
I
guess my real problem here is that I have a specific personality that alcohol
so inconveniently intensifies. A post
about drinking probably seems like a bad time to bring up Bill Cosby, but I’m
going to bring up Bill Cosby. In “Bill
Cosby: Himself”, he makes the following joke:
“I
said to a guy, ‘Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful,’
and he said, ‘Because it intensifies your personality.’ I said, ‘Yes, but what
if you’re an asshole?’”
The
more I drink, the more it heightens specific aspects of my personality. I’m sensitive, guilty and emotional… and
drinking heightens those traits, for good or bad. I love my friends so much and
I need to let everyone know on every social media platform and through every
text! Or, someone says something kind of
shitty and I get SO sad and sensitive that I say things I later regret.
I’m
not saying that I’m going to stop drinking.
I don’t feel my life is spiraling out of control, nor do I drink enough to
qualify it as a problem. It’s just that
I find it interesting that as I age, I feel so guilty all the time. That happens whether I’m drinking or not, of
course, but drinking heightens the guilt.
At one-month-from-29, that’s where my relationship with alcohol
stands. It’s a lot different from 19,
21, 26 or even 28.
If
you’re young, be happy you have a few carefree years left. Most relationships get more complicated as
you age… but none more complicated than one’s relationship with alcohol.
*This
post has been sponsored by Irish Guilt, the Guilt That Keeps On Guilting.
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