I Want To Take A Nap

It's only Wednesday?  But... but... this week has been so long.  I've already worked a whole bunch of hours and I still have a whole bunch more to work? 

I want to take a nap.  

I cooked pasta last night at the completely unacceptable dinner time of 9:30pm.  I used a stainless steel pot to boil the water.  Once the water boiled, I poured in some shells.  I chopped two cloves of garlic and a quarter of an onion and sautéed them in olive oil.  I thought, "This is the best scent in the world... yet it would BE awful to smell like this all day." I opened a can of Hunt's tomato sauce and poured it in the pan with the onion and garlic and let it simmer while the pasta finished cooking.  Then I picked up the stainless steel pot of water to drain... with both of my unprotected hands.  I dropped the pot back on the burner and screamed bloody murder. 

I want to take a nap.  

Most days, I open Waze when I start driving to see what the best route to take is.  Today, it was taking me towards Washington Blvd and I thought, "Oh, good, I'll take Washington to Fairfax and everything will be great."  Then, without me realizing, Waze tried to put me on the 10.  I got stuck in horrible traffic and almost got my car smashed to bits while switching lines.  It was, admittedly, my own damn fault.  

I want to take a nap. 

This week, I am supporting the schedules of five busy human beings while training someone else on how to do my job.  It's a bit difficult to keep myself together 100% of the time with someone's eyes watching me all day.

I want to take a nap.  

My coffee tastes terrible right now.  It tastes like black coffee and not the least bit like a delicious latte with thousands of espresso shots.  But, of course, I am taking a break from dairy because I think it's slowly killing me. 

I want to take a nap.  

I am a hypochondriac. 

I want to take a nap. 

Exes and Songs

An "ex" took this pic.  An Ellie Goulding song reminds me of this night. 

Music typically plays a big role in relationships.  There are always songs that you listened to or were just simply on in the background of a relationship.  When Beau and I first started dating, he got me hooked on Spotify and we would constantly just send songs to each other that we thought the other would like, or just songs that made us think of each other.  I remember sending him "You've Really Got A Hold On Me" from She & Him and he sent be "Go" by Common.  So... super romantic.  (It's a pretty gross song.) 

A few years ago, I dated this guy who turned out to just be the worst.  I still cannot believe that I even wasted any time with him. However, the summer that we spent "flirting" and "courting each other" (nobody uses that term anymore and it's a damn shame) is still one of my favorite summers and it was full of great music. I remember staying up ALL NIGHT and chatting with him on Facebook messenger while he sent me albums to download and songs to play.  I remember listening to those songs while going for jogs on the waterfront and thinking about how sweet he was for sending them to me and thinking of me.  

Of course, like I said, he turned out to be the worst so moments like that are kind of laughable.  Our "relationship" quickly fizzled out... well, at least for me.  But the music he introduced me to has still stuck around! 

I've been listening to it a lot lately - all Ellie Goulding and Lyyke Li and Little Boots and it's been nice to travel down memory lane. Even if the memories aren't so great (but they're not horrible, just kind of funny) - it's a funny little thing how music can do that to us and totally transport us to another place and time.  

Every relationship has its own mixed CD (not literally, but I wish) and even when the men are gone from my life, listening to the old songs always makes me smile.  From the first guy I dated in junior high/high school with whom I listened to a lot of Shaggy to the guy who welcomed me into his apartment for the first time playing Otis Redding's Greatest Hits. 

Some songs bring good memories (Otis Redding pretty much constantly) and some songs bring bad memories (I cannot listen to Regina Spektor because her album reminds me of a very bad end of something.)  But either way, every now and then it's fun to listen to those old songs to give you a break from the soundtrack of your present.  Good memories and bad! 

What songs remind you of certain periods/relationships in your life?  I think it's such an interesting journey to go down.  Yes, I still listen to the song "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy every now and then and somehow reflect HAPPILY on a past relationship with a guy who is probably somewhere dead in an Everett ditch right now.  

Oh, music.  You're great.  And horrible.  And great.  

On Doing What You Love (For Free)

I'm a writer and I perform comedy. Most of that is free. Well, actually, at the moment ALL OF IT is for free, but while I was in Boston, I mostly got paid to perform. But writing was just for the fun of it. It's very hard to turn a creative passion into a paying career, there isn't a whole lot of monetary gain from doing things you love.  And that sucks. 

That being said, I think it's totally worth it.  

There's a quote that gets thrown around a lot that says, "If you're good at something, don't do it for free."  Sure.  That makes sense.  If you're a really good lawyer, you probably don't spend hours working on somebody's case for free.  If you're a great surgeon, you're not cutting people open for free. That sounds very dangerous, actually. But I think there's something to say about busting your ass and doing something not only for exposure, but to get better.  

When I started performing, I never got paid.  I formed an improv group, I did House Teams and I never got paid and I didn't care because every opportunity to perform was an opportunity to grow and it worked!  I got so much better by doing all those free shows.  I got so much better by getting my ass out there and failing all the time.   So much better that I eventually started getting paid for what I did and eventually was able to live off it for a little while.  It felt pretty awesome.  

With writing, let's face it.  There are barely any paid creative writing jobs anymore.  They exist, but the pool of people going after them is a HUGE POOL.  How are you go get ahead? How are you to establish yourself among all those people?  You write for free.  I have blogged here for years now and if you look at my first few years of posts, they're awful.  Posts are still awful!  But at the very least, I've got much better.  I honed in on my voice.  My writing grew with me, and I wouldn't be able to say that if I didn't do it for free every single day.  I write posts and submit them to non-paying websites like Thought Catalog and Hello Giggles and xoJane and I get nothing in return but more experience and opportunities to reach a different/bigger audience.  Someday, I'd like to receive a paycheck for my creative writing projects.  I'd like to write books, novels, memoirs, television shows, movies, etc. I work on those things every day (for free.)  But I honestly believe any writing at all is better than no writing. Writing and publishing this blog posts is at least a little better than just sitting on my couch watching "Boy Meets World" and wishing I was a writer. 

I do agree that if you do something well and are able to make a career out of it, then you shouldn't do it for free (except for some circumstances.)  I know lawyers and people in the marketing industry that take on pro bono work and I think that it's okay for writers and performers to do that as well.  But if someone is asking you to do a lot of work for them with no compensation, it's ludicrous. I was asked to do a workshop for free once and I had to turn it down because that was my career, it was how I made my money - if I didn't value myself as a teacher and director, then nobody would.  Everybody would be getting free workshops and then where would I be?  Homeless.  

It's going to take a lot of time and hard work to get paid for your passion, but that shouldn't stop you from doing it.  Write your heart out.  Perform every show you have the opportunity to perform in.  Play music in seedy bars where nobody is paying attention (at the very least, you can drink after and learn what it's like to play for terrible crowds.)  Do stand-up at weird open mics.  Take every nonpaying opportunity to get better in your free time, because some day it's going to make you better at your craft and you'll be able to turn your passion into a prosperous activity or career. (And then, never do it for free again. Never!) 

Yawny Time Junction

Right now, it's 8:22am on a Tuesday. I was out last night until 12:30am. I woke up at 5:45am and did not fall back asleep. I just gave up and got out of bed at 6:30 and showered and got ready. On most days, I wake up at 8. So... yeah. All I want to do is complain - but I'm not going to.

I'm eating a Starbucks kid's pack. It has bunny friends and string cheese in it and I think they both made me sick. But I do have a giant coffee and a tiny water.

I love the song "Cleaning Out My Closet" by Eminem. It's not playing in Starbucks, that would be weird. But I do love it. I know the whole song by heart and could rap it for you, if you'd like. That and "Forgot About Dre". Two good songs that I like to rap to. I like to rap.

I thought my cold went away. Turns out... it didn't.

My roommate, Kiley, is back! I had a nice night with her, her roommate from the ship, Cecily, and my good friend Michael. We had pizza at Regina's, which is the best in the town! We even got a pitcher of Diet Coke so it felt like we were at a child's birthday party. We walked around the North End, got coffee and talked and then had a few drinks. I like the holidays. I like when I live with my roommate. And I like when Mike's in town.

I'm wearing a red sweater. Now that my hair is darker and almost brown, I've been dabbling with wearing red. I didn't like wearing it before because it clashed with my hair - but now I'm dipping my toes into the red-wearing-pool.

Speaking of hair, mine is super soft right now! And Cavan's hair is spiky.

I'm doing a 24-hour improv show this Friday-Saturday. I'm going to have fun with my friends.

There are two cute dogs outside and they just kissed each other. They have different owners. My heart is melting!

The other day, I took my birth control pill in a restaurant and the waitress got super uncomfortable and apologized for interrupting me. As if I whipped out a boob and started breastfeeding at the table. It was very strange! Hey lady, we're both women! I gotta take this pill - it makes my skin look better!

Those are just a string (cheese) of thoughts. Have a good day, everyone.

P.s. I love you... (the movie)

I, Laughbot.

Yesterday during work, a co-worker who I’m pretty friendly with and who I joke around with all the time starting talking about a real situation I was having. He was being super nice and supportive and I was super appreciative, but I didn’t know how to deal with it.

So I dealt with it the way I deal with everything… jokes!

What is wrong with me? I have such a hard time being real with people. I think it’s partly because I’m just an uncomfortable person in general. But I hate that I base nearly every conversation I have on bits. Never mind conversations, relationships in general! There are probably 20 people I could name off the top of my head that I don’t know anything about who they are, but I share a joke with them. And every time we see each other, we go “Hey what’s up! Bit! Bit! Bit!” Then awkward pause. Then awkwardly walk away.

And I love bits. Don’t get me wrong. It’s all improvisers do. But I actually do consider some of them my best friends and know personal information about their lives, and have real conversations with them. But people who only do bits annoy me. And I’m one of those people. Therefore, I annoy myself.

There’s a Tina Fey quote (oh, brother…) that says, “I figured out that I could ingratiate myself to people by making them laugh. Essentially, I was just trying to make them like me. But after a while it became part of my identity.” And that’s exactly what I do. I know people will like me if I make them laugh. So, I know I can form relationships with people simply by being funny. But they’re not substantial ones. I need to work on being a real human being.

Laughbot3000, out.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

In high school, I was depressed. I was a teenager and I didn’t know anything about life! So I went and saw a therapist and then I went to college, and then I slowly – but surely – worked it all out. But I learned that the root of everything was my own perception of myself. I wasn’t bullied – I was bullying myself! What a stupid thing to do, right?

 

Over the weekend, a couple of my friends were teasing me. It was really overwhelming to me at the time. I get teased a lot, and I’m usually pretty OK with it. I’m surrounded by boys! Haha, I’m a whore! Haha, I can’t even get homeless men to date me! Hahahaha. Bits! At the time though, I just sorta sat in silence, took it, then went home and spent three hours wallowing in my bed. I’m pretty pissed about that – because I wanted to go to the Gap and the weather was beautiful and it would have been an opportune time to squeeze in some yoga. But instead, I cried and napped away the sad.

 

I woke up and I got mad at myself. Like, “C’mon Patty! You have to handle this! You are supposed to be called gross and be totally ok with it!” Except… that’s not healthy at all. I’m a human. I’m pretty much allowed to feel a little bit offended when one of my friends – specifically ones I’ve gone out of my way to help or support - gang up on me and make fun of me! They were just being jerks for no reason. Because it made them laugh and it made me feel dumb – good for them!

 

So, I snapped out of it because I realized the following things:

 

- The only reason they do it is because I do it to myself. Not cool. It’s not cool that I treat myself poorly (like I did back when I was a dumb teenager!) and it’s not cool for them to do it. But maybe if I respect myself, other people will follow. 

- That I’m totally allowed to be human (and a girl!) and feel human and girly emotions. I have a thick skin, if a stranger says anything to me – whatever. Who are they? They don’t know my life! I’m from Everett and I will cut them. But it shouldn’t be suggested that people should have a thick skin to protect them from their friends!

- Don’t waste perfectly good Sundays feeling bad for yourself. If you're going to feel bad for yourself, at least get things done in the process.

- I'm so fresh and I can't help it.

- And finally, OMG I’m a girl! I think I’m a boy so often, that it’s kinda nice to be a girl and own up to it! Who wants to drink wine and sing Celine Dion with me?

Not So Appropriate

The best part about working in entertainment/theater is the people you meet. I've met some great people. People who I've bonded with for many reasons, like: being an outsider, social anxiety, love for nerdy things, pent up anger and a need to express it and the ability to do funny voices.

When I'm around these people, I act myself. Very inappropriate. I constantly make fun of myself and everyone around me. I joke about being so awful that even a sexual predator wouldn't want to have sex with me. Everything is a bit. So when I go to work, I remain myself.

So I do things like:

* sending an agency-wide email to my company including a "that's what she said" joke.

* singing "Can I Get A" by Jay Z in front of co-workers and senior management {although, at least it was sang with another co-worker} {oh, and yes "my coochie remains in a Gucci name" and much worse was rapped loudly}

* making sexual jokes when telling people they "have a package" in the mailroom

* turning normal, regular conversations into bits and scenes with people who don't do improv.

But eh, being appropriate is boring. This is who I am! I'm doing me! I'm doing me!

Thursday Thoughts

The sun is shining! Getting up at 7:30 was no problem at all. My walk to Starbucks was glorious. Days are so much easier when the sun is peaking through your window – and you made the wise decision to have one drink at the bar and go home at a reasonable hour.

Today, I read a blog where some girl said {regarding crushes}, “I just like having someone to text dumb things to.” And it’s true. I like doing it, and I like being that person to someone. I like having someone who thinks about me when they think of dumb things. That is it exactly. “I like cheese. Better text Patty!”

I can’t stand people who have SUCH STRONG BELIEFS… and absolutely NO knowledge or understanding of the subject to back it up. “I hate Obama!” “Why?” “Because he’s not doing anything he said he would!” “Like… what?” Hate Obama, or don’t – at least have a clear reason WHY.

Tonight’s Matt’s last show with AC. I’m sad.

My tattoo is so itchy, it’s driving me insane. I’m scratching everywhere on my arm {except the tattood area} in hopes that it’ll take away the itch ON my tattoo. No luck.

My style is very me. I like me.

Everyone always says people in Boston are assholes. I always disagree. I mean, at least out of all the major cities – I’ve experience bigger dickheads elsewhere. But that all changed this weekend, when I had someone staying with me from California, and I realized not only how much of an asshole I was – but also my friends! We’re all kind of judgmental dicks who are hesitant to trust anyone. Everyone's "weird". Guess what? So are we.

My job is not the kind of job where I go home and think "Ugh, I hate my job!" It's not the kind of job that I want to talk about with people. If someone says, "How was work?" I say, "It was fine." and I mean it. It's fine. It's always fine. It makes me angry sometimes, and once it hits 5:30 I'M OUTTA THERE, and there are days - oh, yes there are - where I want to walk out and never look back. But those moments don't last very long. I like having a job that I don't have to take bullshit home with me. A broken printer is my problem during the day... but the night is mine.

I'm kinda tired.

Five Thoughts!

i don't know what this has to do with this post.

but look! it's a lady stuffing a giant banana in a car!

Which mantra should we live by? “Overcome your fears!” or “Life’s too short to do anything you don’t want to do!” There’s a fine line.

Should we stand up for ourselves and not concern ourselves with people who hurt us? Or should we forgive them for their faults, accept them for who they are and remain concerned with them? {I’m having a really hard time with this. I like people far too much to let them go sometimes. Even friends.}

Should I quit drinking? Benefits: Less regrets, healthier, more sleep. Cons: Less fun with my friends. Ugh, what do I want to do? Live forever… or live right now and have fun! {I understand fun can be had without alcohol… but I’m not good at board games.

Which Disney Park is more fun, Disneyland or Disney World? I’ve only been to the world – and a whole world sounds a lot more fun than a land.

A friend of mine said today “Girls are too emotional!” and I got totally offended. {Granted, this came a day after I went to him to vent about something, and I was very emotional, so I felt like it was a personal attack.} But, I got really upset and overwhelmed and pissed, and went through a whole range of feelings. And that, I realized, proved his point. So I dropped it, made a dumb joke and moved on.

That's all.

Figure It Out

Me & my friends being friends, doing friend things that friends do. Cause we're friends.

I’ve recently been upset about something, and I just figured it all out. And what I figured out is that… I DON’T NEED TO HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT.

I’m 24 years old.

I love what I’m doing. I have a good job. I’m performing. I’m doing what I love. That is an area people most definitely don't have figured out - and I'm lucky enough that I do! I have great friends. Everything’s in place, except that one shady area where I keep making mistakes and not understanding why it’s not falling into place as well. But guess what? As my dear friend Kirsten {you should go to her website, and download her new CD on iTunes! she's the best.} said to me yesterday, “Who has relationships figured out? Even people in relationships don’t have it figured out.”

And that’s what I’m going with. That I think I need to have everything together and be this complete person who is so on top of everything. I'm a control freak like that. But I’m not that person. And I don’t need to be! It’s impossible to be that person.

So, in the meantime, I’ll be over here. Living my life. And whatever's around the corner... I'll see you when I get there.

Oh, and p.s. the only person who has it all figured out is Summer Sanders.